Selfless, Not Selfish

When I was younger, even often now, I was referred to as selfless and always putting someone or something ahead of myself.  I have a huge heart, the kind that would be taking advantage of, often.  At first, I saw no harm.  I was blind to the fact that it was being done and if I did know, it was unlikely that I cared.  I spent my share of time in and out of residential treatment centers trying to cope and heal from childhood trauma.  Throughout my treatment, these behaviors were a big part learned through observation.

Most of my life, I have sacrificed how I feel for the sake of others happiness.  It is easy to seek distractions from losing a child or being diagnosed with cancer but it is something I need to face.  I feel like I need to focus on myself and while some people may label me selfish, those who truly know me would see that I am doing what is best for me.  Of course, this does not eliminate responsibilities of raising a family with my significant other. 

Following my divorce, I had to find my center and my happiness.  I needed to rediscover who I am.  It was very important to me that I do some soul searching.  I wanted to know how I was able to determine what happiness was if I had no idea what made me happy.  Even more so, what did I expect out of life?  When I isolated myself from everyone with the exception of my mother and Kayla, I was able to rid myself of constant distractions and who I am and how I want to live.

I never knew happiness until I figured out what happiness is to me.  My priorities shifted gears.

Things have been chaotic here.  I am a fulltime mother, full time lover, full time employee, fulltime student, and now I am fighting, once again, for my life.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I learned that people come and go.  Some friends though that making one phone call or sending one text, that they covered their basis and expressed that they would keep me in their thoughts.  Do you want to know how many of them have contacted me since?  2 or 3.  I could be dead for all they know.  I should have had a strong support system at such a difficult time.  The most powerful lesson about myself that I discovered was just how strong I am, even without those so-called friends.

This is yet another reason why I turned to blogging versus friends, family, and social media.

I am going to rest before work but have every intention of writing and update in the near future, perhaps tonight.