Acceptance

First, a close friend of mine is going through a medical crisis.  If you pray or could just keep her in your thoughts while we figure out what is wrong, I would appreciate it.  She is a remarkable woman <3.

It has been a challenging week.  My current chemo plan is 1 time per week for 2 weeks and then 2-3 weeks off, for a total of 6 rounds.  Then we will reevaluate according to labs and my progress.  If I start developing issues or the doctor ends up with concerns about the current treatment approach, then we will approach it at the time.  This was my first month under this extended treatment plan and it is kicking my ass.  For the most part, I am extremely exhausted.  I have been having troubles with anemia since March of this year during that hospitalization but now we are monitoring it more closely.  I am having the basic side effects of nausea and nausea too.  I feel out of it or confused sometimes but it isn’t too bad so far.

My biggest complaint aside from being diagnosed in the first place is the pain.  I feel like someone is driving a semi-truck over my entire body repeatedly.  I am so sore and I do have medication but when you are already confused, the last thing you need in your system is a narcotic.  And because of what happened in March and April, as well as my current condition, there are certain medications that my doctor has blacklisted.  Thankfully, I am so exhausted that sometimes I just sleep through it.  If its there when I wake up but not much of a bother while I am asleep.  My hair is starting to thin out and fall out a little bit but it is not of great concern.  If I start to get bald spots then that is when I will worry.

Emotionally, I am doing well but have my moments.  A good friend of mine reached out to me about 2 weeks ago about letting some people in about what I am currently going through.  I feel like I may have said something that came across as if I did not appreciate her or her support.  Without mentioning names, because I know she will know as she reads this, I am truly sorry if I did come across cold.  The truth is, I value you and our friendship, and always will.  I really appreciate those who have reached out to me.  I have not announced this to all friends and family yet.  I have kept a low profile and have been taking care of myself, as well as, all my other responsibilities.  I am a fulltime student, mother, wife, etc.  Every moment that I am not asleep, studying, or working; I am spending time with immediate family.  I am trying to not let this affect Bee anymore than what I am sure she can already sense.  I have been focusing on me too. I am still working overnights but am no longer working fulltime hours.  This has been helping out some.

Enough about the “c” word. 

Bee is doing very well.  We’ve reached a couple of milestones this past month.  She is now trying to crawl. can sit up on her own, is teething, is able to grasp things well, thinks her feet are delicious, and is about to celebrate her first Halloween.  I am sure I am forgetting a couple of things but these ones are fresh on my mind.  I don’t know why I have been worried about her delay in development as much as I have.  Developmental delays are not uncommon in babies with CF.  There are less concerns than the last time we met with her “medical team” so that is awesome, positive, and a relief.  Kbug is doing wonderful.  She loves school and has made great improvements. 

In counseling, we have been discussing the big #1 birthday and how to celebrate.  It is very important to me that we include Madalyn in some way.  It has been suggested that we receive some sort of closure regarding out loss such as a small get together with family and friends, or just the immediate family, celebrating Madalyn.  Part of our discussion has been to affiliate Madalyn and what happened with another day to help me separate the two, in some way.  It is okay for us to incorporate her on the 3rd of January with bee but in a way that eliminates the feeling of being torn that I often have.  I do not know what we will do.  It seems like it is too late but at the same time, there is no real or right time to do something like this.  Acceptance has been a challenge and by doing this, I develop a new and healthier sense of acceptance. 

I just finished the last of my major assignments in my Human Sexuality course.  On Monday, I begin a Philosophy class called Ethical Thinking in the Liberal Arts.

My love and I are doing well.  He drives me crazy but is such a great man.  He is incredibly supportive right now and that means the universe to me.  <3

I have much more to write about but I wanted to post a general update since I have been distance since my diagnosis.  I got off of work at 4:05AM, work again at 2PM and then off at 6PM, and then come back a third time from 11P to 5A so I should probably rest while I can.

Selfless, Not Selfish

When I was younger, even often now, I was referred to as selfless and always putting someone or something ahead of myself.  I have a huge heart, the kind that would be taking advantage of, often.  At first, I saw no harm.  I was blind to the fact that it was being done and if I did know, it was unlikely that I cared.  I spent my share of time in and out of residential treatment centers trying to cope and heal from childhood trauma.  Throughout my treatment, these behaviors were a big part learned through observation.

Most of my life, I have sacrificed how I feel for the sake of others happiness.  It is easy to seek distractions from losing a child or being diagnosed with cancer but it is something I need to face.  I feel like I need to focus on myself and while some people may label me selfish, those who truly know me would see that I am doing what is best for me.  Of course, this does not eliminate responsibilities of raising a family with my significant other. 

Following my divorce, I had to find my center and my happiness.  I needed to rediscover who I am.  It was very important to me that I do some soul searching.  I wanted to know how I was able to determine what happiness was if I had no idea what made me happy.  Even more so, what did I expect out of life?  When I isolated myself from everyone with the exception of my mother and Kayla, I was able to rid myself of constant distractions and who I am and how I want to live.

I never knew happiness until I figured out what happiness is to me.  My priorities shifted gears.

Things have been chaotic here.  I am a fulltime mother, full time lover, full time employee, fulltime student, and now I am fighting, once again, for my life.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I learned that people come and go.  Some friends though that making one phone call or sending one text, that they covered their basis and expressed that they would keep me in their thoughts.  Do you want to know how many of them have contacted me since?  2 or 3.  I could be dead for all they know.  I should have had a strong support system at such a difficult time.  The most powerful lesson about myself that I discovered was just how strong I am, even without those so-called friends.

This is yet another reason why I turned to blogging versus friends, family, and social media.

I am going to rest before work but have every intention of writing and update in the near future, perhaps tonight.

Where Weakness Flows

The time has come again where I feel the need to blog.  I don’t feel comfortable or ready reaching out to friends or loved ones.  I am expected to be the strong one.  I have a family who I cherish more and more each day.  There is no room or time to show weakness.

Here, is a place where no one can judge me.   No one can pity me.  My fears are set free through my fingertips and are not projected through my face, words, or body language.  Here, I can be weak.  I can be angry.  I can be sad.  I can be whatever I need to be.  It is my therapeutic playground and I do with in my own terms.

It is October.. Breast cancer awareness month.  Fuck cancer.  I beat its ass only for it to make a reappearance in my life.  I am overwhelmed.  I have a ton of responsibilities and I refuse to give any of them up or take a break.  In the past, cancer has had its way in causing me to postpone my life and dreams.  I’m not letting it set me back, again. 

I need a place to open up and until I am ready to do so with others, I plan to use this as my therapeutic place.  I can be uncensored and I can open up.  I need to put this time aside to write and I plan on making it happen.

I need out of this funk.