Where Weakness Flows

The time has come again where I feel the need to blog.  I don’t feel comfortable or ready reaching out to friends or loved ones.  I am expected to be the strong one.  I have a family who I cherish more and more each day.  There is no room or time to show weakness.

Here, is a place where no one can judge me.   No one can pity me.  My fears are set free through my fingertips and are not projected through my face, words, or body language.  Here, I can be weak.  I can be angry.  I can be sad.  I can be whatever I need to be.  It is my therapeutic playground and I do with in my own terms.

It is October.. Breast cancer awareness month.  Fuck cancer.  I beat its ass only for it to make a reappearance in my life.  I am overwhelmed.  I have a ton of responsibilities and I refuse to give any of them up or take a break.  In the past, cancer has had its way in causing me to postpone my life and dreams.  I’m not letting it set me back, again. 

I need a place to open up and until I am ready to do so with others, I plan to use this as my therapeutic place.  I can be uncensored and I can open up.  I need to put this time aside to write and I plan on making it happen.

I need out of this funk.

Rise & Shine

A strong friendship does not need daily conversation.  It does not always need togetherness.  For as long as the relationship lives in the heart, true friends will never part.   - Unknown

Remember how I discussed positive change in previous posts.  I was serious and am off to a great start.  We had a great time celebrating our birthdays and even crossed another milestone in the family.  We have discussed announcing the recent milestone in our lives but I think right now we are going to enjoy it ourselves.   There a couple close friends that I will share the excitement with and they will remain the only ones for now.  Don’t get me wrong, I want to scream it from the rooftops but in the meantime, I like the feeling of keeping it more of a small intimate moment right now.  I want to enjoy it.  I deserve to enjoy it.  We do.

We have been working on prioritizing certain things in our family life.  I haven’t been meeting up with friends like I wish I could or anything of that nature but at least I am getting life back on more of a positive track.  I have submitted almost everything needed to GCU.  I need to fax some stuff in the next couple of days to start finishing my degree.  Hopefully I will get around to that this weekend.

I am on the road to recovery health wise.  I did have to have two more blood transfusions and we’re trying a different method in treating my anemia problems.  So far, so good.  I have blood work drawn tomorrow and then a couple appointments next week.  I have such a busy life these days.  I am working, preparing to complete my degree, tend to family medical needs including my own, try to keep a cozy and clean house, etc.  It can be exhausting but is so worth it.

Our hospital visits are hopefully coming to an end.  Our little bee is doing great right now but still requires hospital care.  We are setting up home health stuff since she will be coming home with both a feeding tube and on oxygen.  We are also setting up appointments left and right so we are prepared and have a clear understanding of what to expect, how to handle things, etc.  K-bug is doing wonderful.  One more week of 4th grade and she is thrilled about it.  We’re hoping to do a family Sunsplash to celebrate.   So proud of us as a family.

Prayer Request:  I have been forming relationships with my biological dad’s side of the family.  My cousin Bobby has been through a lot especially for being so young.  He is now in hospice care and is not responding.  He is being made comfortable until he is ready to pass.  It has been a rocky road for him but thankfully he has been able to make a ton of memories that everyone treasures.  Please keep our family, especially sweet Bobby, in your thoughts and prayers.  (Bobby’s Loving Support System).  Bobby: I wish I had the opportunity to make my own personal memories with you.  Distance and an unintentional disconnection from family prevented that but you are in my thoughts and prayers each night.  You are in my heart and I admire the strength and being able to live through the memories of others.  Clearly you are such an inspiration in so many lives.